the clock on my computer says 3:19 am but i still don't feel sleepy at all. i'm so angry and confused right now. i can't even put up the mask i usual wear and pretend that everything's alright.

i know i don't have the right to get mad, but i just can't stop it. i wish people would just tell me straight if they don't want me hanging around them. i wish people would just tell me how horrible i look instead of making me think that i'm not half as bad as i think i am. i wish they would just tell me to give up on them because there's no use of hanging on, to hope that there can be an 'us'. i wish people would stop lying to me. my heart isn't that strong to bear all these false pretenses.

i have nothing left and no one to run to. everything's just messed up. it's the same set of problems all over again: the boy, my friendship.

what's ironic about this is that it all boils down to me being at fault. i let myself be in this kind of relationship. i was stupid enough to believe that such a person, so kind and 'true', could exist. i gave in to hope again. i forgot that reality matters more to me than ideals. let me go back to how i was.

heto ako ngayon, bato.