Posting back

What's the use of saying how I feel? Nothing would change anyway. If it does change, they would lose their happiness. I don't want that to happen - I love them too much.

It's just I get so damn tired of saying that I'm doing fine. I can't stand myself being the emotional one all the time. I guess, this is what happens when one hides her feelings for so long. Come to think about it, I've only ever told about it once with a friend. It's not like he's going to love me back and leave her - not that I want that to happen - if I say these things now.

What's the use? They're already so happy in each other's arms. I shouldn't be selfish. They've waited for this to happen for a long time too.

Though I get hurt everytime I see them. And everytime I do, I have to constantly remind myself to be happy - I have to be.



IF YOU'RE READING THIS, PLEASE GIVE ME SPACE.
YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU BOTH.
"If you truly love a person, you will always love them no matter the outcome."

the note from under the mat

it just struck me after i turned off my notebook...
i wrote it on a piece of paper so i wouldn't forget...

"...and then i realized that the reason i would stay there the whole day was because i wanted to keep you company just in case you decided to stop by. - but you never came. I didn't want you to feel all alone and left out, but it never bothered you at all that i was the one being left out..."

you keep on forgetting that i exist. i don't matter at all.

I wish I could find someone who would long for my presence just as much as I long for theirs. I wish I had someone who'd say he misses me and really mean it."

i'm angry yet i can't blame you... just because my world revolves around you, doesn't mean that yours revolves around me too...

i'm sorry about this, just give me some more time... i do admit my heart hasn't matured yet. i'm still being selfish. please be patient. i'll out grow this, i promise. i just hope i won't out grow you..."

the clock on my computer says 3:19 am but i still don't feel sleepy at all. i'm so angry and confused right now. i can't even put up the mask i usual wear and pretend that everything's alright.

i know i don't have the right to get mad, but i just can't stop it. i wish people would just tell me straight if they don't want me hanging around them. i wish people would just tell me how horrible i look instead of making me think that i'm not half as bad as i think i am. i wish they would just tell me to give up on them because there's no use of hanging on, to hope that there can be an 'us'. i wish people would stop lying to me. my heart isn't that strong to bear all these false pretenses.

i have nothing left and no one to run to. everything's just messed up. it's the same set of problems all over again: the boy, my friendship.

what's ironic about this is that it all boils down to me being at fault. i let myself be in this kind of relationship. i was stupid enough to believe that such a person, so kind and 'true', could exist. i gave in to hope again. i forgot that reality matters more to me than ideals. let me go back to how i was.

heto ako ngayon, bato.

masama bang ma-miss kita?

masama din bang ma-miss mo ko?? hindi ko kasi maramdaman eh. para ngang ayaw mo ko kasama - kung ganito lang din naman, paki sabi nalang sakin ng deretso para hindi ako nagmumukhang tanga kakahabol sa'yo

matamaan ka sana
sana alam mong pinariringgan kita
sana nga hindi ka talaga manhid, at nagpapanggap ka lang na hindi mo alam - mas gugustuhin ko pa yun

mahal kita, hindi mo ba alam yun? pag ba nakaya kong sabihin sa'yo 'to ng personal, masasabi mo din kaya sakin to? o tama yung hinala ko na iba nga ang mahal mo

long nights

i feel that lately i've been demanding too much out of life -no, actually i don't want to lie about how i feel. I think that life hasn't been giving me enough at all. i have not been a horrible person so i know i deserve better in love and friendship and everything in between.

i know to myself that i am being selfish. i just want what is rightfully mine. i've worked so hard to have this kind of relationship with the people i am currently with and i will not stand for anything that can ruin that.

again with the 'I's, - it's just that I can't help but look out for myself once in a while, after all, i know that i have been giving

[details, after na namin mag-usap]

angelpauline21: going back ahaha
je.delosreyes: tae, qng ipis ba nmn pinaguusapan natin
je.delosreyes: eh di ang daling sumagot diba
je.delosreyes: ;))
angelpauline21: LOL =))
angelpauline21: sana pag mgkasama tyo willing ka din mgkwnto ahaha
je.delosreyes: qng tungkol s ipis, oo naman
je.delosreyes: ;)
je.delosreyes: ;))
angelpauline21: LOL =))
angelpauline21: itatago ba natin sya sa pangalang ipis? ahaha
je.delosreyes: ahaha
je.delosreyes: hindi no!
je.delosreyes: =))
je.delosreyes: unan na nga sya, unan!
angelpauline21: kawawa nmn kung ipis ang codename ahaha
je.delosreyes: :p
angelpauline21: haha
angelpauline21: oo na UNAN na
angelpauline21: naforward mo ba s knya yung message sa PILLOW? :D
je.delosreyes: wah
je.delosreyes: uu
je.delosreyes: di tinamaan
je.delosreyes: hehe
je.delosreyes: manhid nga, manhid
angelpauline21: send to many ba? ahaha
je.delosreyes: uu naman
je.delosreyes: buti pa ung iba, nagreply
angelpauline21: haha
angelpauline21: hnd nagreply yung UNAN mo?
je.delosreyes: ndi eh
je.delosreyes: busit
angelpauline21: w
angelpauline21: aaw
angelpauline21: bgay mo number skin :)
je.delosreyes: ahaha
angelpauline21: for sure magrereply na yun ahaha
je.delosreyes: ASA
je.delosreyes: khit nga si matt ni number, ni pangalan ng unan ko.. ndi alam eh
je.delosreyes: :p
je.delosreyes: eh. HE KNOWS
angelpauline21: ahahaha
angelpauline21: i could know better naman eh ahahahahaa :))
angelpauline21: try me :D
je.delosreyes: hahaha
je.delosreyes: i don't think so
je.delosreyes: :p
angelpauline21: :P
je.delosreyes: buti naiintindihan mo pa ko eh no..?? sa dami ng mga nilealeave-out ko na details ;))
je.delosreyes: pero parang napaka-readable q nmn eh
je.delosreyes: hehehe
angelpauline21: NAMAN :D
angelpauline21: sobrang maunawain ako noh :D
je.delosreyes: haha
angelpauline21: kaya kht di ka mgbgay ng details naiintindhan kta ahha
je.delosreyes: ahaha
je.delosreyes: pag kasi may mga binanggit aq, manghihina ako eh
je.delosreyes: haha
angelpauline21: asus
angelpauline21: mag-vit ka ksi ahaha
je.delosreyes: nagvi-vit ako!
je.delosreyes: haha
angelpauline21: kung may pics ka nya, tititgan mo nlng sgurado mabubuhayan ka na ng bonggang bongga =))
angelpauline21: hahahahaha
je.delosreyes: wah
je.delosreyes: hehe
je.delosreyes: nalulungkot aq pag nkikita q pix nya
je.delosreyes: hehe
je.delosreyes: lalo aqng pinanghihinaan ng loob
je.delosreyes: hehe
angelpauline21: ay bkt naman?
je.delosreyes: auhw...
je.delosreyes: eh kasi nga ndi nmn aq gus2 nya
angelpauline21: may iba syang gusto/
angelpauline21: ?
je.delosreyes: ...
je.delosreyes: uu
angelpauline21: aw
angelpauline21: may idea ka kung sino yung girl na gusto nya?
je.delosreyes: meron
angelpauline21: aw ukt
angelpauline21: *ult
je.delosreyes: ayan na, bumabaliktad n mood ko.. hehe
je.delosreyes: may specific na tao bang nirerepresent c tunay mo?
angelpauline21: meron syempre! :D
angelpauline21: hnd ko lang alam kung nasan. :D
je.delosreyes: wah??
angelpauline21: pinagdadasal ko pa sya. :)
je.delosreyes: ndi q gets...
je.delosreyes: ang ibig q kasi sbihin...
je.delosreyes: isa ba sya sa mga kakilala mo
je.delosreyes: i mean qng nameet m n sya
angelpauline21: i still don't know
je.delosreyes: oh. ideal guy plang ang iniisip mo...
je.delosreyes: as in, idea palang sya
je.delosreyes: ???
angelpauline21: ideal yun, yung right term :)
je.delosreyes: naguguluhan ako
je.delosreyes: ahhhh
angelpauline21: sana magkatotoo sya sa taong makikilala ko o kilala ko na. :D hnd sa taong napalampas ko na. :) gets mo ba? :)
je.delosreyes: uu
je.delosreyes: auhw..
angelpauline21: ksi ayoko nmn na dumating yung time na marealize kong si tunay pala ay hnd ko napansin along the way kaya nalagpasan lang namin ang isa't isa
je.delosreyes: sana ganyan din mag-isip ung unan ko...
je.delosreyes: sana di nya q palampasin
je.delosreyes: kaso baka ang TUNAY nya..
je.delosreyes: ung gus2 nia ngaun eh
je.delosreyes: kaya, di rin aq pwedeng magreact
angelpauline21: kaya si TUNAY ko sisiguraduhin kong magtatagpo kami sa tamang panahon at pagkakataon. :D
je.delosreyes: auhw
je.delosreyes:
je.delosreyes: pano?
angelpauline21: pagdadasal ko at ska si God na bahala dun syempre :)
angelpauline21: parang pwede dn ito i-post sa blogsite mo ahaha
angelpauline21: anu sa palagay mo? LOL
je.delosreyes: ahaha
je.delosreyes: parinig ba yan??
je.delosreyes: cge.. w8
angelpauline21: suggestion actually :))
angelpauline21: teka pahabain nmn natin muna
angelpauline21: ok... going back. :)

bakit hanggang ngayon

mag-isa parin ako

sorry

this is my fault...
the problem is with me
i have issues and am still a bit immature

i'll fix this, i promise

blog it all out

i hate the fact that everytime i think we're ok - that we're doing better - you leave me behind. when you intentionally disregard my presence, and act like i don't exist at all
T_T
i hate this

i never learn

i know that everytime i come back to that place, i would see you two cuddling up with each other. my heart can't take anymore - but it's the same heart that tells me to go back just so that i could see your face. and to see hers, my friend. the both of you, happy. i should be too.