A Few Days After

I find myself, yet again, in this horrible state. Ever so often, an unstoppable gush of loneliness - an understatement, at that - comes over me. It hits me unpredictably, and every single time, worse than the previous episode.

I am not alone, if you say that I am surrounded by over a hundred classmates every term. I am not alone if you say that I live with my family. But this is not how I picture myself as being with someone.

I am using the word "alone" in its most simple meaning. I am not using the words "forlorn" nor "desolate" to amplify what I am speaking of. I do not know, honestly, if I am just being squeamish about this feeling. It's like I can't stand to be like this even though there is nothing to worry about.

I am scared of being too clingy, though I have reason to believe that I am being one, that I might drive my friends away - especially the ones I've grown rather fond of recently. I do try to give them space - but it is all rather hard for me to do so - believe me, I do.

And here I am again, head filled with all the thoughts I can't put into writing. I am aware of the fact that a blog is supposed to be made public, but these thoughts will just have to stay in my head. My blog is my bestfriend - to whom I tell my secrets to - but even bestfriends tell secrets.

THE LIE is growing even bigger everyday. It is controllable, yes, but I do not want to take over it. It protects my friendship - and I'd really just rather have it that way. Though there are times when I would really just love to tell about it to someone. Oh the things I would do.

To tell you the truth, this lie (I find that phrase amusing) is really hurting me badly. I have to continuously be someone, rather, be in something that I'm not. It's just that, the way I see it, if I keep this up there might be a chance for me to forget what I've been trying to hide.